It is the house with the cats. You are 10 or 12. The cats multiply mysteriously - Two one day, Four the other. In a few months you have a grand total of eight. All of them fight for your affection & it is a chore to get all of them off the bed at night. You know exactly how they like their milk. It is your father who rises up each morning & caters to the cats - he boils the milk, strains it, cools it under the fan, scrubs the milk dish and puts the dish out on the terrace. Your mom rushes around, cooking breakfast & getting all of you ready for school. You get up before either of them and ride your bicycle around the terrace - uniform and all.
You have fantasies that you never share. They call you a shy, quiet kid. You don’t bother to deny or defend. You are a loner. At home & in school.
_______________________
It is the day you win the debate. They are all shocked, your teachers and parents. You find this insulting, you have been topping your class all through after all. They go on & on about your confidence on stage. You are surprised it surprises. You haven’t participated before, but you have argued your points religiously in class.
You figure nobody knows you & decide not to let people be the judge of you. That takes the pleasure off winning the cup. You set your own standards, you no long strive to be better than them. You start competing against yourself. You tell yourself it is a win win situation, it is actually lose, lose.
_______________________
It is the day your father dies. You are nearly sixteen. College is about to start in a week. The first thought you have is about money. The second about future. Your consider & know you wouldn’t be able to continue engineering later. You don’t have the guts to admit it. You start college & work through the two years skipping over the thoughts of future. You change yourself & become a non-loner. You have a large group of friends & smaller groups customized for special times. you have an arts group & a commerce one, you have an engineering group & a bio one. You are popular & surprised at that.
You don’t have cats anymore. You do have asthma. You are lonely. Having friends hasn’t worked. You decide you wont have many in the University.
_______________________
It is the day you make your mom cry. You lie, face down on bed thinking how unfair life is. She cries over lists from NED & FAST. You passed the tests of course, only you cant afford to study there. You decide you don’t have the aptitude of science & go on to take admission tests for Architecture, Public Relations, International Relations, Psychology & Mass Communication. You haven’t even heard of them before. You pass all and decide to become a Mass Com. major. You tell everyone you are switching to arts cause just everyone takes science. And of course, you are a non conformist.
They tell your mom you are going haywire. The tch tch at the ace student falling off the track cause there is no father to keep her on. Your mom smiles and says something incoherent. You are mad at her for not taking your side…
_______________________
It is a couple of years later. You are still mad at your mom but you don’t know why. You do have friends but you rarely do more than listening to their woes. You start seeing yourself as a shrink. they tell, you listen, sometimes you offer a shoulder, sometimes a few words. You know everybody’s secrets & they don’t know yours. They pry but you build an image. It works, till a friend calls you one night to thank you before taking an overdose. You freak. You stop her somehow, and begin backing off.
In time they stop telling you their secrets. You are relieved & hurt at the same time.
_______________________
It is the year you get to go here & there for debates & stuff. You get great grades & busy yourself with activities that your friends don’t have an interest in. You beg your way out of group projects & launch an academic calendar of your own.
You start believing in your superiority.
_______________________
It is the year you are supposed to graduate. You get the call while working on your thesis. You hate Geo but you go for the interview anyways. They offer you less than you are earning but you sign the bond. You tell yourself it is only for a couple of months. You think you’ll leave as soon as you get your degree and start at a place that doesn’t make you sick.
The finals are spent pondering more about the future than the exams themselves. You bag three gold medals & your office decides to post you in Dubai for a bit. You delay the plans for quitting Geo & hate yourself for it.
_______________________
It is the trip that will change your life but you don’t really know it then. You meet a guy you hate without reason & become friends with him suddenly. Later, you think & think about the moment when you became friends and simply cant recall. You tell your friends you have a crush. You are too afraid to tell him.
His boss starts teasing you about him & you cant figure what gave you away. Your friendship becomes stronger, but he doesn’t seem interested in you that way. You let it lie.
_______________________
It is a couple of years later. You know the crush wasn’t just a crush. You haven’t seen him in more than a year but the friendship is stronger than ever. You are getting proposals left, right & centre. You say no without explaining why. You are too egoistic to say anything, too desperate to wait.
You fall sick, not knowing what to do.
_______________________
It is January last year. You both are in Lahore for a friend’s wedding. You see him after two years & have to turn away to hide the look on your face. You sense his joy, but it is too risky to believe. You really take pains dressing for the wedding, hoping to daze him into submission. He barely appears to notice you.
You drive to Isloo with him & decide you’ll say something as soon as you get home.
_______________________
It is the other prospect that gives you the final push. The perfect proposal – the highly educated, highly placed, totally smitten friend of your cousin. Your mom gives you a week to decide, telling you a ‘no’ without reasons wouldn’t be acceptable this time. You think & think & think. You wish he knew how you felt. You wish he felt the same.
You talk to him that night & ask him to marry you. He says no.
_______________________
It is the day he gives you his reason. You ask him if he thinks it matters.
He tells him parents that night, and they call your mom. You are formally committed in a week, engaged in a month.
You ain’t mad at anyone anymore – nor are you a loner.
__________________________
