…the one over the years.

•September 24, 2008 • 5 Comments

It is the house with the cats. You are 10 or 12. The cats multiply mysteriously - Two one day, Four the other. In a few months you have a grand total of eight. All of them fight for your affection & it is a chore to get all of them off the bed at night. You know exactly how they like their milk. It is your father who rises up each morning & caters to the cats - he boils the milk, strains it, cools it under the fan, scrubs the milk dish and puts the dish out on the terrace. Your mom rushes around, cooking breakfast & getting all of you ready for school. You get up before either of them and ride your bicycle around the terrace - uniform and all.
You have fantasies that you never share. They call you a shy, quiet kid. You don’t bother to deny or defend. You are a loner. At home & in school.
_______________________
It is the day you win the debate. They are all shocked, your teachers and parents. You find this insulting, you have been topping your class all through after all. They go on & on about your confidence on stage. You are surprised it surprises. You haven’t participated before, but you have argued your points religiously in class.
You figure nobody knows you & decide not to let people be the judge of you. That takes the pleasure off winning the cup. You set your own standards, you no long strive to be better than them. You start competing against yourself. You tell yourself it is a win win situation, it is actually lose, lose.
_______________________
It is the day your father dies. You are nearly sixteen. College is about to start in a week. The first thought you have is about money. The second about future. Your consider & know you wouldn’t be able to continue engineering later. You don’t have the guts to admit it. You start college & work through the two years skipping over the thoughts of future. You change yourself & become a non-loner. You have a large group of friends & smaller groups customized for special times. you have an arts group & a commerce one, you have an engineering group & a bio one. You are popular & surprised at that.
You don’t have cats anymore. You do have asthma. You are lonely. Having friends hasn’t worked. You decide you wont have many in the University.
_______________________
It is the day you make your mom cry. You lie, face down on bed thinking how unfair life is. She cries over lists from NED & FAST. You passed the tests of course, only you cant afford to study there. You decide you don’t have the aptitude of science & go on to take admission tests for Architecture, Public Relations, International Relations, Psychology & Mass Communication. You haven’t even heard of them before. You pass all and decide to become a Mass Com. major. You tell everyone you are switching to arts cause just everyone takes science. And of course, you are a non conformist.
They tell your mom you are going haywire. The tch tch at the ace student falling off the track cause there is no father to keep her on. Your mom smiles and says something incoherent. You are mad at her for not taking your side…
_______________________
It is a couple of years later. You are still mad at your mom but you don’t know why. You do have friends but you rarely do more than listening to their woes. You start seeing yourself as a shrink. they tell, you listen, sometimes you offer a shoulder, sometimes a few words. You know everybody’s secrets & they don’t know yours. They pry but you build an image. It works, till a friend calls you one night to thank you before taking an overdose. You freak. You stop her somehow, and begin backing off.
In time they stop telling you their secrets. You are relieved & hurt at the same time.
_______________________
It is the year you get to go here & there for debates & stuff. You get great grades & busy yourself with activities that your friends don’t have an interest in. You beg your way out of group projects & launch an academic calendar of your own.
You start believing in your superiority.
_______________________
It is the year you are supposed to graduate. You get the call while working on your thesis. You hate Geo but you go for the interview anyways. They offer you less than you are earning but you sign the bond. You tell yourself it is only for a couple of months. You think you’ll leave as soon as you get your degree and start at a place that doesn’t make you sick.
The finals are spent pondering more about the future than the exams themselves. You bag three gold medals & your office decides to post you in Dubai for a bit. You delay the plans for quitting Geo & hate yourself for it.
_______________________
It is the trip that will change your life but you don’t really know it then. You meet a guy you hate without reason & become friends with him suddenly. Later, you think & think about the moment when you became friends and simply cant recall. You tell your friends you have a crush. You are too afraid to tell him.
His boss starts teasing you about him & you cant figure what gave you away. Your friendship becomes stronger, but he doesn’t seem interested in you that way. You let it lie.
_______________________
It is a couple of years later. You know the crush wasn’t just a crush. You haven’t seen him in more than a year but the friendship is stronger than ever. You are getting proposals left, right & centre. You say no without explaining why. You are too egoistic to say anything, too desperate to wait.
You fall sick, not knowing what to do.
_______________________
It is January last year. You both are in Lahore for a friend’s wedding. You see him after two years & have to turn away to hide the look on your face. You sense his joy, but it is too risky to believe. You really take pains dressing for the wedding, hoping to daze him into submission. He barely appears to notice you.
You drive to Isloo with him & decide you’ll say something as soon as you get home.
_______________________
It is the other prospect that gives you the final push. The perfect proposal – the highly educated, highly placed, totally smitten friend of your cousin. Your mom gives you a week to decide, telling you a ‘no’ without reasons wouldn’t be acceptable this time. You think & think & think. You wish he knew how you felt. You wish he felt the same.
You talk to him that night & ask him to marry you. He says no.
_______________________
It is the day he gives you his reason. You ask him if he thinks it matters.
He tells him parents that night, and they call your mom. You are formally committed in a week, engaged in a month.


You ain’t mad at anyone anymore – nor are you a loner.
__________________________


 

Uggghhhh!!!!

•September 20, 2008 • 1 Comment

God! God! What humiliation!


As if hanging the great shaheed bibi’s picture just beside Jinnah’s during the press conference wasn’t enough – now he has actually addressed the joint session with the obligatory picture displayed beside the mics!


The sacrifices summed up by the president of Islamic republic of Pakistan limited there sphere around the PPP.


China didn’t even get a fleeting mention!


And apparently Pakistan is bound to become the trade & energy hub of Asia!


Ughhh!!!!!


Ughhhhhhhh!!!!!


Disgusting admi. I hate, hate, hate having to call him president.


I hope the stupid masses are missing Musharraf ab.

Irrational.

•September 9, 2008 • 2 Comments

I find myself getting mad at him when I’m the one at fault.


For years, I shuddered over the thoughts of a clingy, overbearing husband who does recognize the term personal space. Lately, I’ve caught myself turning into that dreaded character.


I come up with justifications of course – I don’t like his occasional hang outs simply cause I don’t have any friends to hang out with here. I don’t like his friends cause I don’t know anyone but him in this city.


I tell myself it is totally & completely natural to feel blue every time he has a plan that doesn’t include me.


But then, he spends a couple of hours polishing the car on a Sunday and I get mad.


Ugh – I fear a time when I loose perspective over rational and irrational urges. I fear the time I let my fears turn themselves into audible complains.


Will I end up sabotaging my own happiness one day?


I pray not.


 

Can & Cant.

•September 1, 2008 • 2 Comments

There was a time when I believed my self ca[able of everything – capable of ruling the world say – of being wherever I set my heart to be.


When the spirit broke, I sensed it – all through – it wasn’t a subtle transition – it wasn’t a realization. I’ve defined what I can and what I cant at every point.


Over time, the list of cants has grown.


The list of cans subsides, day after day


I don’t feel me anymore – wasn’t this supposed to be the age when things finally fall together?


Why is life filled with so many more questions now?

Bored…

•September 1, 2008 • No Comments

Allah hi Hafiz.

•August 18, 2008 • 3 Comments

He talked about uncertainty – about not wanting the nation to remain uncertain any longer. Not that I believe in what he spews anymore, just I believe the resignation has made us a way more uncertain nation.


While the masses might have been led astray with all the hype about the Impeachment and Democracy being the best revenge, but I for one have forgotten neither the NRO nor the cases registered against the infamous Mr. Ten Percent. As far as I’m concerned, he has always been the prime suspect for the grand bibi’s death. Who has gained more from it after all? Evoking the so called martyr’s name in answer to every awkward question being thrown at him, he has gotten away with shit loads of crap simply by saying main nay apnay bachon ki maan qurban ki hai.


Nauseating!


Some qurbani that allowed you become the unelected literal head of the state. Name one decision that has come through the elected leaders as opposed to Zardari house.


Forget his rant about his party not being one that works on a personal vendetta. After  returning to this country on the basis of the NRO that mind you was made possible only by Musharraf, this guy has a lot of nerve to talk about Mush the way he does.


And that is why I feel no amount of pity for Musharraf, he himself worked his way into this pit – why in the God’s name did he have to allow this corrupt leeches back into the system and wipe their record clean? Was he actually expecting them to stay loyal or thankful to him?


Ugh!


What is store for us now?


I feel sorry for our nation. I feel sorry for everyone who has no option but to stick it out here.


With Bilawal’s non political I’m fairly sure the next president would be from our party, one can see the way this coalition is going. After Musharraf & the restoration of the Judges, they have no single cause to be bonded together.


Chaos Alert


More difficult times are about to begin.

Resignation, No impeachment.

•August 18, 2008 • No Comments

A few minutes after the president finished his speech, in tears – people celebrating on streets – all the lines in our exchage jammed cause of the numbers of calls comingin to congratulate.


I want to feel happy, elated – but the possibility of Zardari being nominated as the next president is dimming the joy even now.


Regardless, lemme congratulate the nation for ridding themselves of yet another dictator. I pray that we move towards betterment now.


Somehow, I’m not very hopeful


.

…Gawwah Rehna.

•August 8, 2008 • 2 Comments

I usually avoid highs for the fear of the compulsory lows that follow.


~sigh~


Low for no reason – or reason maybe, but not a reason good enough.


Regardless


The point was to rant about the hapless situation around the state – but it bugs me too much, way too much right now.


Impeachment! HA!  HA and double HA! Like it matters – like it would bring the wretched state back from the ditch it’s lying in.


Oh yeah, great progress, if it actually transpires, atleast we’d be one step closer to getting rid of the grand autocratic  protector of democracy – and what then?


Another year painfully witnessing Zaradri baring his teeth while evoking BB Sahiba’s name and coning the nation into thinking that he really is about to go take the infamous revenge she babbled about.


Democracy! HA! – like he cares for it – its just the power. And if he is going to be the party’s presidential candidate, than God save us, really!


Is it just me or the possibility does freak out anybody else?


Seriously, anybody read the news from the presidency lately? Our savior from hell, is apparently gloating upon the deep dive that the country’s foreign reserves have taken under this government. And then they talk about the nation! Like how, how in the name of God could anybody be happy cause some one fucked up the country’s economy even more?


Says a lot about the priorities, no?


Oh and I hate not being the type that curses. Seriously matlab, what are the appropriate decent words that could describe the wonder who is literally running the country just now?  Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!


Zardari & Sherry, out and about to turn Pakistan around – ever hear anything as unlikely? I keep wondering if they even give a damn – dead sure, they’d bleed us all to death if only they could get away with it and still remain in power.


Oh and ofcourse, the PM is another of his own kind! As if his remarkable stunts around Sherry Rehman weren’t enough to highlight his abilities, he has to go around the world looking like a stupid, wannabe out in the world for the first time.


Did anyone notice his expressions during SAARC? OOhhhh! I’m sitting in a sarbarahi ijlass! Oooh, I;m in Sirilanka! Wah Wah, wo dekho Bandar!  


This is what happens when you bring such people to lead – people who would go on and ask dear Bush for permissions to speak! Matlab? HUH???? ARENT YOU THE DARN PRIME MINISTER OF A COUNTRY RIGHT NOW? Are you some freshie, asking permission to speak in front of your principal on your first day in school?


Loser! Loser, loser, loser – Man, thanks for making me still prouder of being a Paki.


 

Pehli Nazar.

•August 7, 2008 • 1 Comment

Pehli nazar main kaisa jado kar diya…


Tera ban betha hai, mera jiya!


Janay kia hoga, kia hoga kia pata…


Is pal ko mil k aa jee lain zara…


Main hon yahan


Tu hai yahan,


Meri bahon main aa,


Aa bhi jaaaa


O Jaan – e – jaan, dono Jahan, Meri Bahon main aa, bhool jaaa aaa


 


Haye! Pehli Nazar!


At the risk of sounding absolutely clichéd, and absolutely corny at the same time – lemme recall our own pahli nazar that happened, ages, ages back? You wore red! HA! What kinda guy wears red han? And you were skinny too! And arrogant on top of that. And I looked at you and thought Ugh! Not another stupid burger out there with stupid accents and rocket high ego – and you looked at me and though Ugh! Not another stupid married aunty! Who thinks she still looks young!  Huh!


Like huuuuh!! Do I even look married now? How could you think that matlab! Duh! I get aunties falling around me at random places, singing praises of their eligible sons, cause they think I’m a pretty, young uncommitted college girl! That’s how young I look. Still. Even more than half year post marriage!


I think you’re nuts dude, and you were then too.


But it doesn’t matter cause I’m nuts too and we sorta get along pretty well.


I’m sitting here, half hearing Zardari and Nawaz answer the joshilay questions about sadder ka mawaqdza.


And in my mind Atif croons and we laugh at the looks that people are giving us – cause, hey! It is a new music system after all. And we didn’t have a good one in the last car, and it has the amplifier & the umm, whatever that base thing is, and so we do have the right to raise the volume as high as we want to.


Get a grip other people on the road – we’ll get over it in a week or so and then you’d be left in peace.


For now I can’t help wishing the workday was already over and we were driving back home, marveling at the wonder that our grand new music system is.


Oh! And I want to hold someone & shake the hell outta them somehow - Awayin randomly. Wierd. :s

..in love!

•August 5, 2008 • 3 Comments

Been so very long!


The longest break in the seven years of blogging! Whew! Can life really get that busy? Nah! It is just the matter of taking time out I guess – and I haven’t been able to. So much has happened – so much that needs to be documented – memories made that have to be preserved.


I have to get around to it – and soon!


For today I have nothing but a smile & a sigh – long drawn & content – the sky rocks today, the weather does too.


I’m the proud owner of a new Baleno, a new dress and a new city,  that I have taken seven months to call my own!


Here’s to all the news’ in life & the old & all the wonders that have come to pass.


Is there something like too content?


Lol! Knowing everything I know that is kinda improbable – we do have a deep, dark secret afterall – and yet, I think I’ve finally arrived at the point where you can forget the past & ignore the future and live in nothing but the moment, which as happens just now is more perfect than simply perfect.


And all those who knew me well last year would swear this is not me saying this – but man! I think I have fallen in love with live again. The jaded part has vanished – completely.


Who knew this would happen?


Love what you’ve done to me sweetheart ;)